omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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