one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
