So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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