good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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