just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
operation have a gay friend backfired
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
