M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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