youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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