Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
