Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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