she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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