I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
