after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
