you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
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She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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