I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
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I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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