Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize