i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
