2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
