Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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