Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
