I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
