my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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