fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
