I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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