Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
