There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm having to shit out rocks
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
