The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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