Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
