If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
