You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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