Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
