Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
