I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
