Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
God I need to hump something, right now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
