Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
