I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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