Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
