did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
