i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
