You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
