He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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