I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
