Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
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