I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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