Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
