My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hippo gnu deer
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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