Already got asked if we're dating
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
