don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
