Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
