Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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