My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
