After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
