Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
