I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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