i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
