It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
