Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
