im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
