does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
