You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
