I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
