New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
